To my big surprise I got a letter from Abby of Dear Abby fame. Here is the letter: Dear Taylor Jones, the hack writer: Im about to go out of my mind. I thought that perhaps you could help me. You may not know that I read your articles on the Internet. You seem to be giving advice freely so I decided to give you a go with me. My problem, Dear Taylor Jones, the hack writer, is that people keep writing to me about their problems. I cant stand it anymore. Mother had a knack for answering their letters, but she did not take them personally like I do. Im completely strung out! I receive a letter and then I cant keep it from running through my mind times without end. Please help me! Abby I wrote back to Abby and told her that her problem was that she was not saying exactly what was on her mind when she answered the letters. I said, I think that is why you are upset about the letters. It is not the letters themselves; its the answers that you give to the writers. You probably say to yourself Why dont I say what I mean? Abby wrote back and said that she would give it a try. I decided to take a look at her column and see what she was up to. Here are some letters typical of those she has received along with her old answer and her new answer after my tutelage: Letter 1. Dear Abby: My father-in-law is a mindless creep. He has been using my curling iron and he always leaves it plugged in. There is no safety device to shut the hot iron off. He has burned my dressing table twice. I dont want to offend him because he is meaner than a turpentined skunk. What can I do? Jill Old Answer: Dear Jill: Now would be a nice time to buy your father-in-law a new Mercedes. He will love the new car so he will be receptive to the idea that he must be more careful while using your curling iron. New Answer: Jill: The next time that creep leaves your curling iron plugged in, stick it to him where the sun doesnt shine. Letter 2. Dear Abby: Im in love with my sisters girlfriend. Yes they are gay. Im not. Im a healthy, well-adjusted boy. I know that Marge does not like boys. She likes my sister more than anyone else. But the other day I winked at Marge and she winked back. I signaled her to meet me out in the barn. She did. Now she likes boys too. What should I do? Im afraid that she will tell my sister on me. Dave Old Answer: Dear Dave: You must be frank with your sister. Tell her about your feelings for Marge. Since she is your loving sister, she will understand and let Marge go. New Answer: Dave: Tell Marge to keep her big mouth shut! Letter 3. Dear Abby: My mother-in-law has moved in with me and my new husband. She insists on sleeping between us on our king-size bed. She says that the bed is plenty big enough for the three of us although she weighs 314 pounds. I say that no bed is big enough for the three of us. Peggy Old Answer: Dear Peggy: Put up with the old bitty for now. With her weight problem she will probably be dead within 10 to 20 years. At her funeral you will know that you were kind to her in her final years. New Answer: Peg: Get you butt down to the pet store and buy a giant boa constrictor. Keep it in your bed! It will cost you a bundle but it will be worth every penny and then some. I can see that Abby is showing her true feelings now. She is free. Wait! Here is a note that I just received: Dear Taylor Jones, the hack writer: You damn near got me fired with your bad advice. I hope that in the future, you will stick to the crap you usually write! Abby Well, I can see that she has no way out now but to say what she thinks! Mission Accomplished, by George! The End Abby, Dear Abby, letters, advice, writers, writing, newspaper, article, questions, answers, mission accomplished, editorial copyright2006 John T. Jones, Ph.D. |
