Dothan, AL- Every time I turn around, another Northerner is moving into my neighborhood. Im beginning to think all my neighbors are Yankees. This is not really a problem, but obviously most of these people are not prepared for how we do things in Dothan. Here are some things you need to know before moving to Dothan.

Never order a bottle of pop or a can of soda in Dothan. Its referred to as, Coke. You dont have to worry about getting the wrong beverage; the waitress will always ask what kind of Coke? If she doesnt ask, shes from the North and you have the right to correct her for her failing.

If you order tea, expect for it to be sweetenedand iced. If you want hot tea or unsweetened tea youll be wise to let somebody know that youre not from around here.

We are fully aware of high the humidity is in Dothan; weve lived here our whole lives. Look around at our senior ladies; they didnt get their great complexions out of a bottle. If you dont believe it have a look at the seniors who spent their whole lives in the dessert. Be thankful for the humidity, we are.

We are also aware of how hot it is in the summertime. We dont complain about it, we sit in the shade, we move a little slower and we drink a lot of tea. It works you should try it.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English; believe it or not Dothan schools teach English as well as our colleges. We speak this way because we dont want to sound like you.

Never try to fake a Southern accent, you cant do it and we will laugh at you just like we did Dan Aykroyd in Driving Miss Daisy.

Misuse of the word Yall is the first indicator of a Yankee faking a Southern accent. Yall is always plural as well as its possessive Yalls. You and Your are used in the singular. Keep it straight.

A southern dialect will naturally creep into your speech. Most Northerners adopt Big ole first, as in Big ole truck, or Big ole glass of iced tea. Though most Northerners adopting a southern accent are in denial about this fact.

It is not wise to ridicule Southern manners. We say sir and maam. We seldom make a commotion in public, and we do our best not to be uppity. People who do not have manners werent raised rightnuff said.

Never try to explain to someone in Dothan how barbecue should be preparedyou might just end up in a pine box.

We refer to all of our females as ladies, and all of them are, even if you think otherwise.

We know that some of our older drivers have trouble keeping the car in the right lane of traffic. We never yell at them, we just shake our head and say bless their heart then say a silent prayer that they will get home safely.

If there is even the slightest prediction of snow, we will close all the schools and you must make your way to the nearest grocery store to buy milk and bread whether you need it or not.

We dont care if you can drive in the snow, we deserve the time off and were going to take it.

You can ask anyone in Dothan for directions, but unless you know where things used to be youll continue to be lost. Case in point, to get your new car tags, turn right at the First National Bank, go past the Houston Hotel and then the Greyhound Bus Terminal, its the tall building behind Dothan Federal Savings and Loan, if you get to the Supreme Ice Cream you went too far.

If you wonder where everyone is on a Sunday morningwere in church. You are well advised to stay off the roads between noon and 12:30 on Sunday because the Baptists are trying to beat the Methodists to Piccadilly; its not for the faint of heart.

Never attempt to drive past the telephone company on the last date to pay the telephone bill. We park in the middle of the street to make payment regardless of the traffic needing to get by. Just accept it.

Fall marks the beginning of the social season in the south. Some southern cities begin by inviting a select few to very elite parties (e.g., Harvest Ball in Atlanta). In Dothan, we include everybody in the festivities; its called the Peanut Festival, same principle but a whole lot more fun.

In short, be respectful of old people, raise your kids right, find a good church, and let Dothan keep the charm its always hadthen well all get along just fine.

Yall Come!